


not enough

by softambrollins



Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Depression, Goodbyes, Insecurity, Loss of Faith, M/M, Neediness, Nihilism, Post-Break Up, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unhappy Ending, Voicemail, hopelessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21748480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: What is good enough for you people? What is good enough for you? What? What do I have to do? Do I have to go into that ring andkill myself?He doesn't know exactly when it happens but at some point while he's screaming all his frustrations out into the arena, the crowd fades away completely, the cameras disappear, and he's just seeing one person in front of him.
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	not enough

**Author's Note:**

> Post-RAW 09/12/2019.
> 
> I didn't really want to write anything about this, but I couldn't deny the parallels between Seth's promo and some of the things I've written recently. This is super depressing, so fair warning.

_What is good enough for you people? What is good enough for you? What? What do I have to do? Do I have to go into that ring and_ kill myself _?_

He doesn't know exactly when it happens but at some point while he's screaming all his frustrations out into the arena, the crowd fades away completely, the cameras disappear, and he's just seeing one person in front of him.

It's the one person who's always been there. His audience of one. He's always wanted to impress him the most, to make him proud, to feel like he was worthy of him. Either standing side by side with him or looking across the ring at him. Even when he was driving a steel chair into his spine or crushing his skull beneath his boot, he wanted Dean to look up at him and realise that Seth was the one person who would always have a hold on him, who he could never forget. 

But now he knows that he never cared. Not really. 

He wouldn't have left if he cared. After Seth did everything he could to get him back, after he put his body on the line for him so many times, to prove his loyalty to him, to show him that he loved him more than anyone else ever would. It still meant nothing to him. The knowledge tastes bitter like ashes in his mouth.

He doesn't care anymore either now. He doesn't care about being a good person. The person the fans wanted him to be, who they turned him into years ago. That was just an illusion. They were always going to turn on him, it was never going to be enough, because that's just what people do. People are never happy. He could drive his body into the ground until all his bones and muscles turn to dust; he could fight until his lungs give out in his chest; he could claw his heart open with his bare hands and spill buckets of blood for them in the middle of the ring. He could yell and yell _What do you want?_ until his throat gives out, but it's as useless as screaming into the void, or screaming up at the heavens when he knows there's no one listening, because there'll never be an answer.

It was never enough. Winning the WWE title, fighting like hell to get back from his injury — all he was left with was the disappointment and disgust in Hunter's eyes. He gave up his fucking soul for him and all he got in the end was being tossed aside and replaced so, so easily. Like he was _nothing_. Like he was always nothing. He wasn't the chosen one, he wasn't the future, he wasn't the man. He was just a fucking pathetic sucker. Desperate and needy for love and attention wherever he could get it even when he knew, he _knew_ it wasn't real, it was all an elaborate fabrication from people just as treacherous and manipulative as he was. Maybe it's what he deserved. For being so weak and stupid.

The fans wanted him to be a hero after Hunter betrayed him, and he knew he wasn't, he never was, but maybe — maybe if he pretended for long enough, the guise would start to fit him like his own clothes. Maybe he even fooled himself into believing it eventually. He thought they'd have his back always, that they were in this together, but it was only until he started saying and doing things that they didn't want that they showed their true colours. They never loved him at all, they never believed in him. They never _knew_ him. They just loved who they thought he was, who they made him. And now they're ready to tear down their own creation, with pitchforks and fire. Kill the hero they created in the first place, the way so many heroes fall. So, they deserve this. They all deserve what happens now. It's on them. Seth has no regret there.

He regrets what happened with Dean though. Seth should've never believed in the first place that he could have him back. Dean should've never entertained his fantastical notions as long as he did. Seth did everything Dean ever wanted from him, he was there for him every single time he needed him, always by his side, and all Dean did was push him away and throw it all back in his face and blame him for everything. He never forgot what Seth did to him, he still thought that Seth was only using him — for titles, for glory, for personal gain. Because that's all Seth would ever be. The opportunist. The traitor. The sell-out. Even when he tried and tried to show the world that he wasn't that person anymore. They didn't want to see it. So, if this is what they already think he is, then that's who he'll be. 

All Seth ever wanted was to make him happy, for him to have everything he wanted. But Dean was never going to be happy. Not here, not with him. He should've known that years and years ago. He should've never tried at all. All it's led to is rejection and emptiness. It wasn't enough. It still isn't enough. _He_ isn't.

Seth hasn't talked to him in a long time. He lied to him. Dean lied to him every day the same way everyone else did. Why is _he_ always painted as the liar, the deceiver, the one who destroys things for the sake of his own greed, when everyone else always betrays and lies to and abandons Seth whenever it suits their own selfish needs? Everyone who'd ever claimed to love and support him. They're all gone now and some sick part of Seth is still tearing at him from the inside with that wretched longing for them to come back. For them to love him again. He'd do anything — _give_ anything. But it's not enough. He'll never be enough. No matter what he does, he's always going to be destined to be left behind when they all inevitably realise that he's worn out his use and he's not worth it anymore. He has to accept that even as it feels like it's ripping him to shreds every moment of his life.

All he's left with is this. Is being the ugly, corrupted thing they've always seen him as, that they want him to be so badly. Well, so be it. He'll give them all what they want. If they won't love him even after he's done everything for them, then he'll make them hate him just as passionately. Make them feel some of the same bile and venom he feels coursing through his veins every single minute now when he thinks about everything that's been taken from him. When none of this is his fault.

He gets back to the dark, silent locker room, sinks down heavily on the bench. Finally lets out a long breath. It feels like a relief, like he's casting off years and years of facades that have been weighing him down. He's put so much of his energy and effort into maintaining them but they've been slowly crumbling into dust over the last year. All the other people he's tried and failed to be. They're gone now. He almost doesn't know what's under all of it anymore. Maybe there's nothing left. Maybe without anyone's expectations to live up to, there is no Seth Rollins. Maybe that might be better, though. Maybe now he can be free, he can be anything he wants. There's nothing to lose anymore.

There's just one more thing to do. One more thing to leave behind.

His palms are still sweaty from before. He wipes them on his dark pants before he takes his phone out. Calls his number for the first time in over six months. It goes to voicemail like he'd assumed it would. 

Seth just starts speaking, slowly and evenly, all the emotions he was feeling out there on the stage, that he's been feeling since he left, finally rising to the surface, but he's not going to let them overwhelm him now. He's in control this time. "You know, I keep wondering where it went wrong. What I _did_ wrong. Because of course everything's always my fault, right? I broke your heart, I broke your trust forever, I'm the one who made you who you are. And I still think about that every day and I know I can't undo it. So, I'm done trying."

Seth lets that hang in the air, in the ether, before he continues.

"You said you forgave me, but did you, really? Or did you just not care about me at all? Was I just something to amuse you, to fill a void? Did it make you laugh, to see how I would fall over myself to make you happy? Was I just there for you as something to take out your frustrations and unhappiness on when you didn't want to pretend anymore? Did you like the way I didn't fight back, because I loved you so much?"

Seth pauses for a moment, phone squeezed tightly in his hand, feeling like his insides are coming apart at the seams. But he needs to do this. To let him go. To put himself back together somehow.

"I gave you _everything_ ," he gasps. "I loved you more than anything. But it wasn't enough. It was _never_ enough. It wasn't worth anything in the end. It wasn't even worth you looking me in the face and telling me the truth."

 _I love you. This isn't goodbye._ Maybe everything he ever said to him was a lie. Maybe Seth never deserved to hear the truth.

"You're the one who left. But somehow I'm the bad guy again. I'm always gonna be the bad guy. No matter what I do," Seth tells him, voice resigned. "It's all completely fucking pointless, Dean. All of it. I used to believe in things. In us. In wrestling. In changing things. In all of this mattering somehow. But it _doesn't_. It's all going to be gone soon and it won't have meant a thing at all to anyone. Because nothing ever lasts."

He keeps the phone pressed to his cheek for a few seconds longer, just breathing quietly into the silence, before he finally lets his hand drop. 

Seth hangs up the phone, then deletes his number from his contacts before he can think twice about it. He tips his head back against the wall behind him, lets his eyes fall shut. Tries to dispel the image of his face still floating there in front of him in the empty locker room. Always watching him. Ghostly and expectant and all-knowing. 

Dean's never going to want anything from him again. The Seth Rollins who loved Dean Ambrose is dead. Just like the Seth Rollins who wanted the entire world to love him. And now he needs to make his peace with that.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr link.](https://softambrollins.tumblr.com/post/189597007458/not-enough-deanseth-post-raw-09122019)


End file.
